I really regret that the word "agnostic" has come to mean "lukewarm atheism" in the modern parlance. Actually, "lukewarm atheist" is a tad on the side of generous. In most cases it's more like "I don't really care either way, and I don't want to spend more than 30 seconds talking about it, so please leave me alone". It's a shame because agnostic is such a beautiful word, with a rich tradition. From the Greek "a gnosis" or "without knowledge". Specifically, without spiritual knowledge or mystical enlightenment.
When I was a teenager I went through a kind of existential crisis. I was pretty much in a state of despair from age 13 through 15 because no one could give me an adequate explanation for why I was here, and what was the point of getting out of bed in the morning. To be fair, it was probably 50% hormones. Anyway, some very friendly Christian friends and family members showed me the meaning that I desperately needed. I was really in love with gnosis, because Truth (note the capitalization) became my life over the next several years.
As time went on I tried a lot of different spiritual notions and identities. One summer day, in between academic years of college (I remember it vividly) I was mowing my parents lawn. I realized something that stopped me dead in my tracks. What started me on this path was not the a sense of Truth, but instead my own psychological need for something. I couldn't cope with something, and I compensated by trying something new. While that certainly didn't invalidate the beliefs that followed, it did invalidate my approach. If my goal was faith, I was going about it all wrong. If my goal was just plain-Jane knowledge, I was also going about it wrong. A turning point had been reached. I had made no firm commitment to any rigid faith, I was just nibbling the corners off of different faiths without putting myself in that vulnerable place that is so crucial.
I would have to ignore my past, pick a faith and stick it out. Or bite the proverbial hand that fed me and brought me out of despair, by giving up my spiritual inclinations.
Obviously I chose the latter, and I made a firm commitment to it. I gave up spiritual enlightenment in exchange for only material knowledge. The thing about material knowledge is, it's a real bitch. I'm strong enough not to lapse into despair again (hormones have lessened some since junior high), but sometimes I get a very strong hankering for some good ole fashioned false hope (being on dialysis was one such instance). But this pursuit of truth (note the lack of capitalization) makes no promises and breaks none. It's also an ethos that my conscience can let me serve absolutely balls out without conflict.
The reason for this blog is in response to the age old charge that material knowledge without it's spiritual equivalent is fatally flawed in that it cannot "understand the divine". That wasn't pointed at anyone, since I'm almost certain I've said that myself - and meant it - several different times in my life.
While it's certainly true that science, reason and material knowledge offer nothing regarding the divine, the infinite or the intangible, there's is a flip side that those with faith do not understand. That is how right, how correct and just and nourishing it feels to simply say "I don't know". To say "It's so intriguing and wonderful a question, but I cannot offer an answer in good conscience, since I honestly don't know". I still hope very much that there is a god, or at least some supreme, creative force that understands and cares about what goes on with us all. A seed within me still believes it. But what I want, and what I need doesn't make it so. To say "it would be wrong to project my wants and needs out onto reality, when I should be doing the reverse" is a supremely good thing. I would call it sacred, actually. The lack of gnosis, the rejection of it in favor of a truth, which is not always comforting, and is indeed sometimes horrible and terrifying (I want to throw in the Lovecraft phrase "terrifying vistas", because I love it), but we pursue it anyway simply because it is true. That is the meaning which I wish I could apply to the word "Agnostic"...
Yeah people screw up the atheist/agnostic thing all the time. People balls dumb.
ReplyDeleteI pose to you a comment, then a question.
You say that your search was born of a psychological need. Quite possible. I think everyone can relate to that.
But the Bible teaches that God's law is written in the hearts of men and I believe that one of the reasons for near universal theism throughout history is just that. Maybe that realization and despair and then lack of it once you came closer to faith was God's way of speaking to you and calling you.
Could be, could not. Just a thought and I'm sure you considered that at some point already.
The question though, is even if born of a psychological need, why did that invalidate your approach to faith? I'm just not sure I understand.
Also a lack of knowledge exists in theism as well, but with a security blanket of sorts. I don't know a shit ton. I can't explain to Matt why God condemned murder and ordered slaughter in the bible and I can't explain to anyone why he made the sky blue.
The only difference is I take a little comfort in knowing he knows what he's doing, even if I have no freakin clue what that is.
No, I definately wouldn't say that's the ONLY difference.
ReplyDeleteYour comment about theism throughout history is a topic that I'm really interested in, but the conclusions that I draw from it are different. The variations in religious ideas throughout history seems to me to be weak evidence for God's influence, since the ideas themselves have changed so much (human sacrifice, polytheism and the like). For instance, look at how Judaism has morphed from a religion barely distinguishable from other semetic polytheistic religions of the levant region into a rigid monotheistic religion over the millenia. There's even traces left in the old testament, if you look.
ReplyDeleteYes, I had considered the point about the change in perspective as a way of God calling me. There's not a whole lot that I can say except that I don't think that's the case.
The reason why it invalidated my approach to truth (as a mixture of faith and reason), was because I started out with an agenda. My agenda was that I wanted to feel good about life in general. I made myself believe that it was all about the unbiased truth, but really I knew the answer I wanted to hear all along.
The "bottom line" is that I was trying to have my cake and eat it to. I wasn't willing the make the leap of faith necessary to have full blown religion, but at the same time I was tainting my reasoning by dabbling in faith.
On theism you are right. No consistent religion has been present universally in the sense of people having the same beliefs.
ReplyDeleteIt's also possible that it comes from a want to believe and a psychological need of some kind and prior to the scientific method, it was the only way of explaining some things.
The historical and near universal theism isn't proof of anything, but it is very interesting.
I ask you this, in the event that the Judeo-Christian God is real, then isn't seeking faith because you want to believe just as valid?
Not scientifically, not reasonably, but objectively, if he's out there and the Bible carries any weight, then faith is enough.
If he's not, it's all a shot in the dark and us believers are a bit nuts.
"I ask you this, in the event that the Judeo-Christian God is real, then isn't seeking faith because you want to believe just as valid?"
ReplyDeleteSure. Absolutely. Why I choose to believe in gravity doesn't change my decision about whether it's wise to jump out a window.
But gravity is something that's very easily demonstratable. My belief in it follows thousands or even millions of instances of consistent physical evidence.
That's not really the same for belief in a Judeo-Christian God. You're not proceeding from physical evidence, you're accepting the bible as your source of evidence. So, the first step would be accepting the bible as a source of objective information, which is a leap of faith.