"I never play the opening rounds. Inconsequential." - Some douchebag negotiator from Star Trek
I love election season. It's what I obsess over in place of sports. I also love making predictions. But that joy is tempered by the knowledge that political pundits are almost guaranteed to be wrong in their predictions. I read a study once which estimated that such predictions had a higher average chance of success if the pundits simply threw a dart at the possibilities, rather than giving an honest opinion. Since I'm not a professional, I'd say my odds of failure are pretty significantly multiplied. Oh well, bite me, it's fun!
Reviewing the field of GOP contenders, it's hard to imagine any of them actually beating Obama. Some are appealing in some kind of hypothetical, academic sense. And it's not that our President is overwhelmingly popular, either. It's just that I can't see any of them holding both the necessary knowledge of policy, or the personal gravitas to come off as "presidential" enough to be a viable candidate.
Let's take a look.
Rick Santorum - Everything that I know about this man suggests that he may be the Anti-Christ. The fact that the man is a devoted Catholic does not assuage my fears. A noted enemy of The Gays, Santorum has spoken against the culture of "'private' moral matters" that allow the spread of homosexuality. Even GOP base as crazy as they are, I find this guy too much of a social conservative to penetrate. PRACTICALLY NIL
Ron Paul - I love Ron Paul almost as much as I love taffy. However, I don't love him enough to cast my vote for him as President Of These United States. His blunt honesty about matters of the deficit and foreign intervention bring me great joy. However, he also wants to wants to destroy the Fed and return us to the gold standard, which seems, well... Crazy. Ron's great at winning straw polls, but not great at winning elections. He may, however, end up being remembered as the "John the Baptist" for his son's future presidential run. That aside, UNELECTABLE
Newt Gingrich - Name one nice thing about Newt. Not about his policies or his career, but about the man personally. Exactly. UNELECTABLE.
Tim Pawlenty - I want to make a prediction that Tim Pawlenty's penis will, at some point in the future, be caught in someplace it's not supposed to be. Why? I can't say. He just looks like the kind of goofball who's probably into the bathroom scene. Or the hooker scene or something. Every time I see his ridiculous countenance, I picture him locked in orgasm-face, with the look of creamy satisfaction as his budding relationship with his 17 year old male intern finally reaches it's culmination. But, other than that I haven't got a whole lot against him. Too goofy looking to place high, though. PROBABLE FAILURE
Herman Cain - Herman Cain is the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza. I'm unfamiliar with the man, but very familiar with the pizza. If the art is representative of the artist, I predict he will show himself to be thick, cheesy with a soft, butter crust. 18" WIDE; A POUND OF CHEESE
Mike Huckabee - I'm selling my stock in Mike Huckabee, if anyone cares and is still buying. I considered Mike the frontrunner since 2008. He was affable, well spoken, and capable of delivering a speech. His policy record was mixed, which can sometimes be an asset in general elections. He had some social conservative credentials, but he also seemed relatable to the general public. Now he's seems to be steadily accelerating toward wierdness. He says strange things and he's recently produced some bizzare cartoon propaganda for children. I'm not even certain if he can make it to the primaries at all. PROBABLE FAILURE.
Donald Trump - Please don't be mistaken. Mr. Trump is not running for President. He's just a clown, hired by Sarah Palin to warm up the audience for the next few months before the Iowa Caucus gets underway. Then it gets real. N/A.
Mitt Romney - Mitt might have a chance of making a good showing in the general election. But he's been living in hypothetical land too long, and I have a feeling that he's not tough enough to survive the opening round melee. He'll be evicerated over his record as Governor of Massachusetts, and even if he does survive long enough to drag his sorry carcass in to the ring, he'll shatter into a thousand pieces in the general election. PROBABLE FAILURE
Mitch Daniels - Nobody's really heard of this guy. I'd like to see him be a dark horse candidate that really ends up giving a good show, but it's still too early to tell. He's what I would call a "serious" conservative, in that he doesn't believe in fairy tales and his policies are based in reality, geared towards actually getting results. From what I know, I like the man. However, what matters is not what he is, but what he becomes. He'll have to pivot if he makes it deep into the primaries, and pivot again if he makes it to the general election. That is, in the end, what will matter. I'll be watching this one.. UNDECIDED...
Sarah Palin - The less said, the better. We all know what she is, and what she represents, I think (nothing, except for naked ambition). She may cause some sort of singularity, or black hole because of two opposing possiblities of equal weight and likelyhood. Either she's so much of a maniac that she's totally unelectable, or she's so much of a maniac that she must be elected president so that the gateway to hell may be opened on earth. It's still possible that some combination of catastrophic events, in the right sequence cause Sarah Palin to be elected President. Someone of her character has no business in the PTA, let alone public matters. This possiblity is already too close to occuring. For my comfort anyway. Still. POSSIBLE ARMAGEDDON
