"It is edible. But I wouldn't call it 'food'" - Tholl the Mizarian, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Allegiance"
The value of authenticity in culture is a dominant trait in my generation, the "Millennials". Sometimes it's taken to obnoxious extremes, but usually I find it to be charming. In the context of food, you can see it in the resurgence of backyard gardens, the emphasis on farmers markets and exotic cuisine, and the attempts to recreate "real" or homemade dishes, often from scratch.
It's a good thing, not just because it tastes good, but because there's an ethos behind it. That being, the disdain for artificiality or phoniness. I suspect it's probably a reaction to post-WWII technological advancements that intended to make food quick and easy (just add water, makes it's own sauce!). I'm sure there's a health aspect behind there too, but I think the cultural issue is really the driving force. It's the hip thing to do.
That's alright by me, but dogma has no place in the kitchen. We all like to go against the grain every once in a while, and food doesn't have to be "genuine" to be a delicacy.
My personal passion is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Growing up, it was my personal favorite, and I've spent years honing my technique. It's a recipe that takes all of 2 minutes to learn, 10 minutes to make,
but one could spend a lifetime perfecting it. With the possible exception of the nation of Canada, I doubt anyone is more passionate than I about the Blue Box.
Just like hipster millennials, I have a philosophy to making Kraft Dinner. The philosophy and the recipe are so tightly bound up in each other that it's impossible to separate one from the other. In keeping with my summer of whimsy, I'd like to share it with you.
First, abandon any prejudices or preconceived notions regarding the dish in question. If you have fond memories of a family member preparing a tray of cheesy macaroni for a social function - clear those images from your mind. That will immediately throw you off. Any ideas of what cheese looks like or tastes like is, likewise, a distraction. There is NO cheese in Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Don't even think of grating that colby over this thing. In fact, our best case scenario will use as little real dairy as possible.
Enter a state of zen, with your mind a blank slate.
Embrace the total reversal of normal food values. This is not about feebly trying to ape a "real" dish. This is about fake food living loud and proud. We are dealing here with the exact opposite of man-made nourishment. This is some artificial being's interpretation of what human beings consume. Only by fully accepting can you full appreciate.
OK. Let's begin.
1. When making your purchase from the grocery store, remember this rule of thumb:
Macaroni sucks. It doesn't taste as good as not-macaroni. If you have the opportunity to buy Kraft's other blue box products,
like "spirals" or pasta shaped like cartoon characters, do that instead. Shapey pasta has lots of edges, nooks and crannies that trap the flavor-liquid. Also, this should go without saying but do not mess with any flavors other than the original blue box. No homestyle, no 3 cheese, no Italian. If you don't have salted stick butter at home, buy some of that too. You won't need much.
2. Back home, start boiling a pot of water - half full. Tear the box of Kraft open and remove the powdered sauce packet. Get a colander out and place it near or inside the sink.
3. When the water is boiling, dump your pasta into the water and reduce the heat a little. Just enough to keep it from boiling over. Stir immediately to prevent the pasta from sticking to the bottom of the pot. Use a large metal spoon. This will become important later.
4. Cut a slice, about 1cm thickness, from a stick of butter.
Do NOT unwrap the stick, just slice right through the paper. Set the slice down on a cutting board and unwrap partially, so the slice of butter is resting on top of the unwrapped paper.
5. Check the boiling water frequently.
It's important not to let the pasta become overcooked. The pasta is ready to be drained when it is slightly softer than al-dente. Not chewy, but still tight and springy. Overcooked pasta will not soak up flavor sauce, and will cause the sauce to become thin and flavorless.
6. Before draining, cut the butter into smaller slivers or chunks, keeping it on top of the paper, as best you can.
7. By this time you should be ready to drain. Drain into the sink, and be quick about it.
Time is now a factor.
8. While draining, pick your butter up by the paper, and shake out the paper into the empty pot which until recently held the boiling pasta. Drop the empty butter paper into the trash. Immediately dump the drained pasta on top of the butter, in the pot.
Stir quickly! This small about of butter should provide the bare minimum of lubrication to our cooked pasta.
9. Next, dump the powdered "cheese" sauce over top of the pasta. Start to mix, but it will quickly become mealy.
DO NOT ADD MILK. Milk has no place here. We use water. Hold the pot under the faucet and give it a quick spritz. Stir. Repeat as necessary, but don't add too much water. The end product should be wet, but not overly soupy. All the powdered mixture should be liquefied, with the possible exception of a powdered clot on the back of your spoon. Knock that clot in with the rest and stir.
10. Your Kraft Dinner is ready to eat.
Consume it QUICKLY. It will congeal with startling rapidity. You have a 5-10 minute window for best results. Storing or reheating is
right out. Leave the product it in the pot, take the pot with you, along with your large mixing spoon / ladle, and a potholder or kitchen towel.
Do not share with family. Do not eat with family. Do not engage in conversation. Do not talk period. Turn on TV and recline. Open or remove your shirt and place the pot of Mac and Cheese onto the potholder, resting on your naked gut. Consume.
